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When “Let’s grab drinks” feels like a natural follow-up to “Hi, how are you?,” saying it's difficult to navigate the world of dating while sober is an understatement, despite the fact that it's estimated that about 30 percent of all Americans don't consume any alcohol. While some are in recovery, an increasing number of women are going sober as a wellness and lifestyle choice. Still, there's something daunting about the idea of dating without cocktails—for better or worse, booze can be an ally when it comes to awkward moments.
The good news: Dating while sober can be just as good, something I found out firsthand when I gave up drinking and continued going out. Read on for my takeaways and lessons that anyone—even those looking to take a break from drinking—can learn from.
1. There are a ton of alternatives to grabbing drinks.
When I first got sober, I felt like everything revolved around drinks—after work, on the weekends, and especially during dates. Yeah, there’s the coffeehouse date, a sober standby, but Lara Frazier, 33, of Dallas, who's been sober for three years, says it’s possible to get more creative. “I think it’s fun to grab coffee, but also to go on a hike or meet at a walking trail. Go to a museum. Go people-watch at a public area and just get to know each other,” she says. “My favorite thing about dates isn’t necessarily what I’m doing, but the chance to communicate and get to know someone.”
A good tip: Try to get to know some date-friendly coffee shops, juice bars, or cafes with evening hours. That way, when you suggest coffee after getting that “Drinks tomorrow?” text, you can simply say, "There's this amazing organic juice bar on 56th. 7pm?" According to Dr. Mike Dow, “This reply is better than ‘How about coffee?’ which can be perceived as, ‘I'm not that interested in you.’”
If you feel comfortable being around other people drinking, you don’t have to avoid typical bars like the plague, says Dr. Patricia O’Gorman, a psychologist practicing in Saranac Lake, New York. “You may want to choose a mocktail, or just a sparkling water with lime,” she said.
2. It’s surprisingly easy to explain to someone why you’re not drinking.
Being upfront is key. Laura Silverman, 33, founder of The Sobriety Collective, says that most of her dates come from apps like Bumble and Tinder, so she can clearly state it in her profile that she doesn’t drink. “This weeds out the crazy party animals and leaves me with social drinkers or guys who really don’t care much for booze,” she says.
But if you do get asked, keep it simple. “I would make jokes like, ‘When I drink I tend to break out in handcuffs,’ which lightened the mood,” says Lucy Price of Victoria, British Columbia, cofounder of Sacred Recovery. “But as the years went by, I became more comfortable in my skin, so now I’ll just say I'm an alcoholic in recovery.”
Dr. Ryan Potter, clinical director at Ambrosia Treatment Centers, says that depending on your own long-term goals—whether you’re looking to permanently quit or take time off from drinking—a simple "I just don't" or "I never feel good after drinking" usually does the trick.
3. You’ll waste less time on dates that aren’t going anywhere...
It was usually very easy for me to accept any and all invitations to go out for drinks, and I wasn’t picky about the company. On the hunt for true love, I slept with people I wasn’t even interested in and sat across from them even though I felt no chemistry. Once I got sober, the substance that began to matter to me most was that of the personality of the person I chose to spend my time with, and just how much time I spent with them before I peaced out.
Claire Foster, 32, of Portland, Oregon, and editor-in-chief of Addiction Unscripted, says that after she stopped drinking, she started “deliberately getting into relationships instead of just waking up in them.”
“I felt like I had agency in relationships,” she says. “I now think very carefully about what I want, how I’m behaving, and why I’m leaving a relationship.”
4. ...And you’ll have fewer face-palm moments the morning after.
Kelly Fitzgerald, 31, from Cape Coral, Florida, who now has over three years sober, says sex used to be something she did when she was wasted or just something to “go along with.”
“I had a lot of shame around sex and consent because of situations I'd put myself in while drinking,” says Fitzgerald, who chronicles her adventures on her blog, The Sober Senorita. She says she now recognizes sex as an intimate act, “not a bargaining tool or an IOU. I also learned I never have to have sex unless I want to. I am allowed to say no whenever I want.”
5. When it comes to sex, you’ll be confident in a real way.
Sometimes regaining confidence can be an adjustment that takes some time. Remember to be patient with yourself. “My confidence in bed—both in my abilities and how I feel naked—has definitely experienced small growth spurts over the years,” says Silverman. “Once feelings are involved and I know someone actually cares about me, my confidence has a better chance of seeing the light of day.”
And if you already feel uncomfortable being naked in front of someone, it could be a sign that you're not quite ready to sleep with them, no matter how body-positive you are. Either way, you’re bound to be more in tune with the messages your body is sending now that your mind is clear.
6. You’ll know whether you're actually ready to sleep with someone.
Well, there you are. It’s just you and your body and another person and their body. Turns out this is a pretty exciting moment, huh? Instead of toppling into bed and hastily tearing off condom wrappers, you’re wide awake, every sense absorbing what’s happening inside of you and around you.
As Dr. Potter points out, in sobriety, the act of sex itself might be approached in a different way. “Instead of an impulsive decision, there might be more of a buildup, and it will be a thoughtful graduation to a deeper and fuller relationship when it is the appropriate time,” he says.
Foster says she wastes less time getting into bed with someone because, thanks to her clearheadedness, she feels more equipped to assess whether or not it’s a compatible match. “I trust my instincts, and they’re never wrong,” she says. “I’m also good at setting boundaries and making my needs clear.”
7. You’ll start recognizing what you actually want in bed.
Jennifer Matesa, author of Sex in Recovery, says that what sober sex is like depends on what kind of sex sober people are looking for. “A lot of people I've spoken with say they found out in sobriety that they were actually looking for committed, loving relationships, but not everyone is,” she says. “One thing a lot of women find out is that sex means pleasure for them. It is not just to please their partners; it's also to please themselves."
For Lisa Nixon, Price’s cofounder at Sacred Recovery, that means communicating a lot more during sex than she used to and even making more direct eye contact. “I can talk about what I like and what makes me feel sexy,” she says. “Being in the moment with my partner is not an experience that any mood-altering substance could replicate.”
The driving factor, she adds, is no longer about instant pleasure, but “sustained bliss.”
8. Your newfound honesty will make your connections deeper.
“Instead of it being scary, leaving your heart open is a beautiful thing,” Nixon says. “Vulnerability takes a significant amount of courage, so it is something that I value most in myself and I find is one of the most desirable qualities in my partner.” For example, without substances, life with her partner is incredibly adventurous. “We make memories because we’re sober,” she says. “No blackout nights for us.”
Foster says she’s more attuned to what feels good for both of them.
“Once my relationship with myself changed—which was a direct result of getting sober—everything else improved. Especially my sex life.”
Helaina Hovitz is an editor, journalist, and author of After 9/11. She can be found on Twitter, Facebook, or HelainaHovitz.com.
