4 Ways to Get Back in the Saddle When It's, Um, Been a While

October 15, 2017

All the best sex positions start with a little kissing and rolling around on the bed.

Dear Emily,

Long story short, I'm soon to be divorced, and a big portion of why we're getting divorced has to do with not having sex for close to three years. I've recently started seeing someone and am feeling like a virgin all over again! What advice do you have for someone who's ready to get back in the saddle, but is so nervous about not being good in bed?

Please help,Lindsey, 28, North Carolina

Dear Lindsey,

Welcome back to your sexuality! I’m sure you have stellar bedroom skills, and you have nothing to worry about, but after taking a three-year hiatus, it’s completely understandable why you’d be a little nervous. Now that you’re ready to hop back to it, it’s time to refocus that anxious energy onto your own pleasure, exploration, and play.

So, here are a few tips to get you started:

Seduce, masturbate, repeat. Figuring out what you like and where you like to be touched will make it easier to communicate that to your partner. And the more you know what you like, the more confident you’ll be in the bedroom. So have fun exploring yourself! Wear something that makes you feel sexy. Run a bath, explore new toys, feathers—anything to pamper yourself.

Get some inspiration. Whether it’s porn, erotic short stories, or Beauty and the Beast (no judgments), a good visual is always helpful. Look at it as research—trial and error if you will. Observe what gets you turned on and go with it!

Remember, sex is about both of you. Yes, you want to please your partner, but make sure that you’re thinking of yourself too. Most men say that there’s nothing hotter than a woman who is authentically enjoying herself. They’ll also take it as a direct reflection of their own skill in bed, and a little stroke of the ego never hurt anyone. So although you want to “wow” your partner, let them “wow” you back.

Take a trip down memory lane. Think back to the times you had sex that you really enjoyed. What did you like about it? What would you have done differently? What have you always wanted to try? Drawing from past sexual experiences and using them for your second coming will help you remember what you love about sex.

You might be in your head right now, but sex is like riding a bike: A few practice rides on your own, and you’ll be back in the saddle in no time.

XX Emily