Here's How to Have a "Long Distance Marriage"

Yup, they're a thing.
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I recently visited a friend who was traveling back to California from New York to visit his wife and family over the weekend, as he has done for many months since he relocated to Manhattan for his job. Every time he's back home in Los Angeles, his wife expects him to "be at an 11." In other words, when he's there, he better be there.

The trend of long-distance marriages is growing as more of us commute for our jobs, move for work and lifestyle opportunities, and marry people who grew up in different areas than we did. (There was a time when it was unusual to pair up with someone who you didn't know in your immediate network.)

According to the Center of the Study of Long Distance Relationships, it is estimated that more than 3.5 million married couples in this country are apart for "reasons other than marital discord."

So, how do you navigate so much time apart from your significant other? I spoke with a number of women and men in this arrangement that weighed in:

Remind Yourself of Why You're Making the Sacrifice

Something that kept coming up in my interviews with long-distance married couples, especially the ones with kids, was that they had to check in with themselves regularly to weigh the pros of the arrangement so that they could get reinforce their difficult decision to be apart.

Cindy, who lives in New York City while her husband spends four to five months a year in Alaska for work, said that she originally had a "can't do" attitude when they started the LDR last year. At the time she had two young kids and a newborn baby and struggled with the distance. Now she accepts the fact that this move is good for her family and regularly checks in with herself and her partner about it.

She admits, "I have to think about what the sacrifice we're making is really for. He works seasonally, and this allows us to be together for the other six or seven months entirely. I constantly have to remind myself of this. I do struggle with it sometimes. I fantasize about my husband having a 'regular' job and seeing each other daily and having average life, but then I think about the last six months when we were together, and there's no comparison."

When you're struggling with the long-distance arrangement, it's helpful to make a list of why you are your partner are making the sacrifice. Chances are, there's a good reason you're apart.

Schedule Regular Visits—and Get Excited About Them

Desiree, who married Michael in September, has had a challenging time adjusting to her long-distance marriage since she and her partner lived together for three years prior to getting married. She always knew Michael may leave town to join the family business upstate, but wasn't prepared for the loneliness of going to bed and waking up alone during the week. In spite of this, she feels that the relationship has brought her closer to her husband.

She says, "The upside is that absence does in fact make the heart grow fonder. We are both so excited when we are together because we miss each other terribly when we are apart. Seeing Michael at the end of the week is the highlight of my entire week. It gives me something to look forward to and I love planning little adventures for us to do during our weekends together."

Geoff and Karen, who are long distance in Northern California, have to be apart most of the month because they both share joint custody of their children with ex-spouses. Between them, they have five kids and hectic lives, but make sure to plan regular weekends and some weeknights together, schedules permitting. "Every two to three months, we'll get longer stretches: three-day weekends, family vacations, or work events and (incorporate) travel that can accommodate spouses," Geoff says.

According to Cindy, "Having your next plan" is crucial for those in LDRs. She and her husband are already getting excited about their date nights next month in Alaska, when they will next see each other. Anticipating being together helps her and her husband reinforce their connection.

E-Flirt

So often in long-term relationships, we use our phones for very practical reasons, like to coordinate logistics and work out plans, but those in long-distance marriages also use their devices to flirt and connect.

In addition to sending sweet and funny texts during the day, many LD couples tease each other, sending provocative photos and racy or flirty messages. This is a plus of the long-distance marriage, since it's easy to forget to pursue each other when we see each other every day.

Rather than wait until they are physically together, a number of the LD couples dine or watch a movie or television together over their computers on Skype.  Geoff says, "Karen and I text a lot, talk on the phone, and sometimes have virtual dates by watching a favorite show 'together,' sharing commentary and wisecracks by text."

Jackie, whose husband is oversees approximately half of the month, looks forward to the sweet texts she receives when she goes to sleep while her husband is waking up and starting his day. She says, "This way of connecting has actually brought our marriage to a different place. I miss him while he's away, but these little daily notes make us feel like we aren’t a boring old couple…it’s like we’re actually fun again!"

While connecting digitally doesn't replace being together IRL, technology has allowed people in long-distance marriages to thrive and connect in new exciting ways.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!

Daily communication is a crucial element in sustaining a long-distance marriage in order to avoid feeling disconnected or resentful.  It's essential to continue to check in with each other, so you know you and your partner know that you're on the same page.

Cindy admits that it's normal to "take turns" being frustrated by the long-distance arrangement. She says, “We try to tune in when the other is feeling a little down and be positive for them. It flip-flops. Of course there is occasional anxiety and you’re not going to have one person that is always strong. When [my husband’s] been down, I'm on top of it, and he does the same for me.”

Since Cindy's husband is in Alaska, which is four hours earlier than New York, daily communication can be a struggle—either she has to stay up too late or he has to wake up too early in order for them to catch each other. In spite of this, they are committed to communicating daily. She explains, "We're always trying to find a good time to speak. When the kids get out of school, it's mid-day for him and too busy at work. Recently, my husband said that he will wake up 3 A.M. when kids are getting breakfast just to say hello and then he’ll go back to sleep." She too will disrupt her sleep schedule and stay up past her bedtime (at 11 P.M., midnight, or 1 A.M.) in order to speak with her husband.

They’ve decided it’s better to lose sleep than lose their communication and connection.

Geoff values the daily texts and calls he has with his wife Karen when they are apart. Checking in about daily routines and "calling when something important is happening, good or bad" is a must for them. For Karen and Geoff, being in regular touch has allowed them to successfully avoid drama. Geoff added, "(Drama) can be amplified by distance. There is enough drama in life already."

There are obvious downsides and perhaps surprising upsides to being in a long-distance marriage. Sometimes we don't want to admit it, but there are positives to spending time apart from our partners, assuming it's not indefinite and forever.  Having a ‘deadline’ when you will be together again was essential to all the couples I spoke with.

In Desiree and Michael’s case, they vowed to be together again in a year. In the meantime, she admits that the LD marriage has been a positive thing. “This whole thing is temporary and I honestly believe it is making us stronger," she says.

Andrea Syrtash is a relationship and lifestyle expert and the author of Cheat On Your Husband (With Your Husband). Find her online at AndreaSyrtash.com.