What Men Really Think About When They Masturbate

One of Amy Shumer's comedy sketches features a dude who isn't calling her back but masturbates to the photo of an old Italian woman on the jar of his spaghetti sauce. It's hilarious but not totally ridiculous, according to men I've interviewed about their masturbation habits.

As my friend Ed says, "Like most men, I don't discriminate too much. I think of the screen I'm staring at."

According to my mostly anecdotal research, here are the six themes that are on the minds of American men when they get off.

Porn

Internet porn has become so accessible and mainstream that sex therapist and author of She Comes First, Ian Kerner, Ph.D., says, "You'd be very hard-pressed to find men who don't masturbate to Internet porn. In fact, there are young men, 20 or even 25 years old, who have never had non-Internet porn masturbatory orgasms."

While porn can be a great way to increase and release sexual arousal, it can become problematic for those who find they are addicted to watching it and/or are cut off from sexual experiences with their partners because they feel their sexual needs have been satisfied.

According to Kerner, "It's not the end of the world, but one by-product of our porn consumption is that men have less of their own erotic databases and may not know their unique turn-ons and turn-offs." He adds, "It’s like watching TV and never reading a book. You can get too used to one type of easy orgasm with material that's constructed to titillate and arouse."

It's fun for us all to have an erotic history, be attuned to our arousal, and use our imaginations; so the hope is that porn can stimulate fantasy without substituting sex.

Celebrities

Many of us may have an idea of the celebrity we most want to get down with, but it turns out that few men picture Hollywood stars when they masturbate.

Derrick, 36, said that there are a number of celebrities who have made cameos when he fantasies, though they don't show up too often. He admits, "Occasionally I've fantasized about celebrities. My picks: Anne Hathaway, ScarJo, Mila Kunis, Natalie Portman, Rosario Dawson, Chloë Sevigny, and Claire Danes"

One reason some men say that they don’t think about celebrities is that they seem too unattainable or even boring.

Acquaintances or Strangers

According to my friend Ed, "Pre-Internet, it was never celebs or super-beautiful people but random girls in my real life—the 40-year-old supermarket checkout clerk, substitute teacher, girl with giant tits, or a classmate."

My buddy Matt adds, "I don't get off from porn or people I really know. I really only get off from an exchange with a stranger I find attractive. It can be as simple as a momentary eye contact, but there has to be an exchange."

Chad says that it’s usually a snippet of a visual from the day that he imagines later. He explains, “The way a skirt hugs the outline of woman's rear and legs, or a sweater suggests the curve of her breasts, or the way her walk has a slight jiggle or bounce suggesting what her body might feel like. It's often the ones who are unself-consciously sexy that I find the most intriguing—not the ones that seem so calculated and over-the-top.”

In all cases, imagination plays a larger role in the fantasy and that seems exciting and intriguing to the men I spoke with. Essentially, they can project any qualities they want to onto the attractive women they don’t know!

Friends and Coworkers

Perhaps not surprisingly, I couldn't get many of my guy friends to admit that they masturbate to their friends. (I probably should’ve included the disclaimer that I wasn’t considering myself as part of their repertoire.)

Ed offered this insight: “Sometimes the ‘moment’ calls for PornHub, sometimes it calls for Facebook. I tend to go for the female friends who appear domestically content in their pictures. They are so obviously hiding their raging desire to go absolutely bonkers between the sheets."

Kerner suggests that when it comes to friends and co-workers, men may recall an erotically charged situation and image when they masturbate. For instance, “Sometimes if a guy is out with a friend or co-worker that he's attracted to, the excitement may still be fresh and resonant and he will connect to an image like, 'I was at this party and for a quick second, she put down the drinks and I saw her breasts' as opposed to a big story or narrative,” he says. He adds, “He may also recall something like, 'I was at my friend's house for breakfast and his wife got out of the shower in her towel and I saw her for a second… .’"

These kinds of "friendly" images may spark the imagination and be incorporated into the fantasy.

Exes

One reason some men recall their exes when they masturbate is that they have vivid sexual memories with this person they were and probably still are attracted to.

My friend friend's Joe told me that exes regularly make an appearance when he masturbates. He admits, "I draw from when we were together and also imagine a new experience...."

I wondered if it matters who broke up with whom. "I don't even remember with some of them", Joe said. "But I guess if they broke up with you, the fantasy is increased because you know it's never ever going to happen again...ever...ever...so all you have is your fantasies."

Shawn adds, "Who do I masturbate to? My ex-girlfriend, definitely. No question. It's someone from the past and we had a very sexual relationship, so there's a lot of material to 'use.'"

Current Partners

I didn't realize how many dudes masturbate to their current romantic partners, but according to Kerner, "In my experience working with men, many men will masturbate to their current partners or to partners in their recent history. Those are the partners that are still somewhat 'fresh' and indelible. Many of the men I talk to, who don't masturbate to porn, think about the sex they had somewhat recently and in their current relationship.'

He adds that a great byproduct of masturbating to your current partner is that a reward system lights up the entire brain and when this is connected to someone you're in a relationship with, the reward will be connected to someone in your life that you care about. (So, you'll feel even more connected to your lover as a result.)

One thing is clear: Most men masturbate. While that’s not really a news flash, it seems that they have a much bigger library of material to draw from than what’s on their screens or their spaghetti sauce jar.

Andrea Syrtash is a relationship and lifestyle expert and the author of the new Audible book He's Just Not Your Type (and That's a Good Thing).

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