As promised by last week's preview, Hurricane Taylor is back with a vengeance. Well, not bad so much as she never left, even after essentially being kicked off the show. I'd love to see someone try that nonsense on ANTM-era Tyra. I'm really souring on Taylor. Corinne and Nick kind of make sense together; Taylor needs to go home and look at her life and her choices.
After pulling Nick away from his dinner with Corinne, Taylor tells him that Corinne is a liar and a manipulator, and that Vanessa was right when she previously called Corinne's character into question. And Nick is like, I appreciate you and this, and there is so much appreciation happening with the feelings and your thoughts and also what you have to say, which I heard and am hearing and that you are expressing and I am appreciating. Corinne and Nick make out a whole bunch, and she refers to him as her boyfriend. OK.
For the cocktail party they go to some mansion, but then TWIST! Chris Harrison tells them they are going straight to the rose ceremony. Jasmine is so upset about it, she legit cries. Nick tells them he knows his heart and doesn't want to waste anyone's time, which is fair. You know what seems like it would be good training for The Bachelor? Rushing a sorority. Actually, I wish The Bachelor were much more like rushing. I wish there were pins and light hazing and chants and you had to learn the Greek alphabet.
ALEXIS, JOSEPHINE, AND JAIMI ALL GO HOME. This is not that surprising, considering they never seemed as if they got on super well with Nick as more than friends, but they were absolutely the best ones. Now they're gone, and I don't want to watch this show or look at Nick's face any more. I miss Jaimi. I miss Alexis. I MISS JOSEPHINE. SO MUCH.
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They're all going to St. Thomas, a picturesque island. Because someone is paying attention, the first commercial after the promo for the St. Thomas adventure is Kong: Skull Island. Frankly, the girls being attacked by a giant mythical ape would give The Bachelor some much-needed stakes.
The remaining (boring) girls dutifully shriek over the amenities at the hotel and the beauty of the scenery; cutoff short shorts abound. Kristina gets the one-on-one, and Jasmine cries tears about that, too. Kristina tells Nick about her somewhat complicated extended family; she was adopted from Russia, where she has a sister she doesn't know well.
A woman, Lorna, appears to serve food and make beds and clean up. She seems to work for the hotel, but in any case, Corinne is thrilled to have a nanny again.
Kristina tells Nick more about her life growing up poor in Russia; she used to eat lipstick. She had to leave home and ended up in an orphanage for many years. Her mother is dead now. She and Nick cry, and then Nick tries to, like, analyze the situation to show he understands? And quotes her own story back to her? Shut up, Nick.
Kristina gets a rose, and they dance to the sounds of the Caribbean. There are some problematic racial optics happening here, but when is there not on The Bachelor?
The participants of the group date—and by process of elimination, the two-on-one—are revealed. Such tension.
On the catamaran to Abi Beach, Nick asks the women insightful questions like "chocolate or vanilla?" and "Christmas or Halloween?" and "anal or nah?"
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Everyone is in a fun-in-the-sun mood as they down shots and start a friendly game of volleyball. Because volleyball is the only sport I was ever (kind of) good at (overhand serve, motherf-ckers), I can tell that they are...not playing very good volleyball. Which I suppose is to be expected, what with the fact that they can't even put their hair into ponytails and have mic packs tied onto their bikinis.
Still, put a little hustle in your muscles, ladies. Get low, 1-2, stay open, bump set spike, Kerri Walsh Jennings, etc.
Corinne gets drunk, Vanessa gets competitive, and Jasmine gets physically aggressive! Rachel isn't interested in competing for Nick's attention because, I guess, she's not fully aware of the premise of the show she's on. Vanessa, too, is running out of patience. She wants to hang out with Nick, not play games. She cries. Danielle M. cries. Jasmine, of course, cries.
Nick's solution to this anxiety and drama is to stare wistfully into the ocean. Later, at the group date cocktail party, Nick talks to the girls individually, starting with Rachel, who pretty much just wants to go home, but she'll stay for Nick. Vanessa and Corinne are also feeling stressed.
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Jasmine is still pissed that she hasn't had a one-on-one and is monologuing about it with the gusto of a first-year musical theater student gunning for Ado Annie in Oklahoma.
Jasmine and Nick try to have a chat, but it quickly turns into Jasmine drunkenly rambling.
Jasmine tries to tell Nick about some (sexual?) position called "the chokey," even though everyone knows that the Chokey is that horrible closet full of nails and broken glass that Miss Trunchbull locks Matilda in. Nick sends Jasmine home.
Nick is having a little pity party for himself, which I don't understand. Dude, you can't lose a game when you're the prize. I mean, I guess anyone can be scared that he's messing up his romantic life. Maybe that's the lesson, here. The object of your affection can be insecure, too. Men are like animals you encounter in the wild: They're more scared of you than you are of them.
We find out the next day that Raven got the group date rose. Maybe we already knew that? I was distracted by Raven's neon-yellow romper-meets-robe ensemble.
On the two-on-one, I am honestly openly rooting for Whitney. Danielle L. and Nick AREN'T GOOD TOGETHER.
Back at the hotel, Vanessa expresses her worry for "D-Lo," which is, I guess, a nickname for Danielle L. Which means that Danielle M. is the one who won the name Danielle, which means she is the Alpha Danielle. D-Lo always looks as if she's about to sell me some bronzer I don't need at the MAC counter.
Instead of having any kind of date activity, Nick has a quick chat with each girl (Whitney on some pillows, D-Lo on some rocks) and then decides that he can't give Whitney the rose because she's too pure or some shit. She goes home. It's sad, she was blindsided, but she's also a gorgeous 25-year-old Pilates instructor. She's going to be fiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.
Ugh, but then we get more Nick and D-Lo time. Their entire conversation is plain nonfat yogurt. Guess what she's looking for in a relationship? Love and trust. Guess what he wants? Adventure and raw. They don't even kiss or anything. Or smile. At all. Is this what being in a coma feels like?
Nick, to his credit, and probably because he's been turned down so many times, doesn't want to give a girl false hope, so he doesn't give D-Lo a rose EITHER. Like, whoa!
Nick doubts his own capacity for love. He goes back to the hotel to cry in front of the remaining ladies. He seems genuinely upset and freaked out. It shouldn't matter, but it occurs to me that he's seeing them for the first time in their sweats with no makeup. Nick cries in the elevator and wanders...into the night.
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Parting thoughts: I'm pretty sure next week we get to hear Corinne say her vagina is platinum!
